I want to express a few thoughts and see if they resonate with any of you.
You may know that within our family we have special needs, attachment disorder (and reactive attachment disorder which is the upper end of that spectrum) mental health issues in addition to that; language delays, social delays; just all these special needs type things going on, and Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) and OCD , ADHD — and more alphabet soup!
What’s a mom to do!? I’ve learned that if you are all wrapped up in the family, the children, their special needs, and the relationships that attachment disorder has really put a negative spin on (with multiple kids and family members!) then it can really put you in a rotten space. If you have your own identity all wrapped up in the nature of being a parent of the alphabet soup, special needs, chronic illness and all that goes along with attachment issues that is.
The children are growing up and trying to forge their own identities. Some have additional issues with identity — identity crises — because of their past.
Now think about the parents. Moms in particular (and dads, I am not trying to exclude you but you know, I can relate most to moms).
What about your identity?
Your identity cannot continue to be wrapped up in the relationships and in the roles that you have — the roles that are changing — the roles that are up one day and down the next — the roller coaster ride that is this life, without some real damage, without losing yourself, without losing your own identity.
So, you MUST regain and/or hold onto your identity in Christ.
Your identity as God’s child.
Your identity as someone of value and intellect and purpose.
You can hold on to your true identity:
Whether or not a particular relationship goes haywire;
whether or not a particular illness continues or gets worse;
whether or not you have to deal with a mental health crisis that day;
whether or not behavioral issues pop up;
And whether or not other people judge you as someone who should handle things differently than you do, or should parent differently than you do, or is even the cause of some of the behaviors or issues with your children.
And so, who are we doing this for? Are we really just doing it for ourselves? No.
For our children? Yes! But not just for them.
If you are like me, then you agree we are really doing it for God.
And for our love of God.
And in obedience to God.
So we do it for our kids – yes, but as God gives us love and loves our children and our families through us he gives us the ability desire. And HE is the one we are really doing it all for!
He knows your heart.
He knows it all.
He knows these children.
He knows their background and he knows their needs. And furthermore, God is able to take them, continue to work on them, and maybe do it through you or maybe through other people or other ways. So it’s not all on your shoulders. Put it back on his, where it belongs.
That’s all of my rambling thoughts. I hope you ae encouraged. If you are, feel free to share and follow Yesterday’s Orphan for more.
How do you get your own bucket filled so you can pour into your family when you’re feeling like there isn’t much left to pour out?
Below I share a few ideas for quick pick-me-ups to help when you’re running on empty. But I am fully aware that there can be such a deep dark pit that it takes more than just a few quick bucket-filling ideas to make much difference. Please do not give up hope and do not give up searching and reaching for the help that you need. It’s there. Keep looking and keep looking up (to God and his help and ginormous love for you)!
I found some things were not so helpful before things began to be noticeably different. Some things were helpful, but it took a while. If you are interested in more of what helped me rise up out of the deep, dark pit I found myself in not too long ago, please reach out. I know not everyone’s situation is the same and there will be different needs. So I don’t presume to know exactly what your situation or needs are. I’m certainly not a medical person so nothing I say here is intended to diagnose, treat or cure.
But I do know everyone needs Jesus. And he is the great healer. He can use all manner of resources or none at all! That said, here are some quick and easy ideas for bucket-filling on days you need a little pick-me-up.
Self-care “Bucket List”
Dawn’s TOP Ideas for Re-filling a Poured-out Parent’s Bucket
As a mom of seven, I am familiar with the constant need for parents to pour themselves out for their families. I’m also familiar with the feeling that you are running on fumes. That bucket is feeling pretty dry at times.
We sometimes tend to feel like we are being selfish to do something for ourselves that is more than tending to basic needs. I’ve felt that way myself at times. But I’m learning that I am my own best resource. And taking care of me as a good steward of my resources is necessary to offer the best I can to those I hold most dear. When taking care of yourself means taking better care of your family, I don’t think that’s selfish or self-centered.
What exactly is Stewardship?
“stewardship expresses our obedience regarding the administration of everything God has placed under our control, which is all-encompassing. Stewardship is the commitment of one’s self and possessions to God’s service, recognizing that we do not have the right of control over our property or ourselves.” ~ Institute for Faith, Work, and Economics
When our self-care is from a motive and perspective of stewardship rather than selfishness we can then understand that taking good care of ourselves is our responsibility. As a Christian, I know that I am not my own. I belong to God and have a responsibility to him to do the best with what he has given me. If I am an emotional wreck or sleep-deprived shell of myself, I may need to do some adjusting.
Without further ado, here are a few of my top ideas for getting that parent bucket filled. You can use this as a jumping off point to add more ideas of your own that will likely be even better as they are personal to you. This is by no means an exhaustive list.
#1 Connect with a (non-judgmental) friend.
If you can do it it’s great to connect face to face; otherwise take a few minutes to connect in the best way you can whether that be a call, text or video chat.
#2 Let something go so you can get more/better sleep.
However you do it whether you go to bed a bit earlier, sleep a bit later or slip in an afternoon nap it’s ok to get some rest! Do you know that sleep time is very important for certain hormone production?
At night, I like to use essential oils to help me relax and get some shut-eye: One of my favorite sleep blends is Cedarwood, Vetiver, and Lavender together in a diffuser or roller bottle topped with a carrier oil like olive oil or in a bedside cool mist diffuser.
#3 Read or watch something lighthearted.
Laughter is good medicine and can be just the thing to lighten your perspective. Watching a fun movie with the family can be a good way to soften built up tensions with a shared experience.
#4 Indulge in a special snack.
It doesn’t have to be the most calorific snack or anything guilt-laden. But just as a snack can diffuse the “hangry” in kids, it might help us too!
#5 Deep Breathing.
At one point, during a particularly stressful time, I set alarms on my phone to take a few moments and do some deep breathing throughout the day. . . . In 2, 3, 4 . . . out 2, 3, 4 . . .
#6 Take a luxurious bath (or at least a long shower break)!
Self-care may be getting back to the basics if you’ve been in survival mode. Using delightfully scented soaps, shampoos, and bath salts and following up with a light lotion or skin oil can make you feel pretty pampered.
I like to use toxin-free soaps and shampoos infused with essential oils.
#7 Get Moving!
Perhaps it’s not resting you need as much as to get moving. Exercise, even just a little, can be a good pick-me-up. Plus, as an added bonus, exercise can even help you to sleep better — provided it’s not too close to bedtime.
#8 Drink something.
Even slight dehydration can get you feeling yucky. So drink water or another hydrating beverage to stay hydrated. *One of my favorites is Ningxia Zing!
#9 Go Outdoors!
For eons, parents have known to send their kiddos outside for better health all over the world. Guess what? It goes for adults, too! Fresh air and the sunshine vitamin (vitamin D) are necessary for each of us.
#9 – Listen to Happy Music!
Alone or better yet – – with the kiddos – – listening to music (and even sing and dance along) is a great way to bring on the smiles.
#10 Take time to read a Bible passage and pray.
This is important to me as a Christian. The Holy Bible is God’s Word, his messages to us. I speak to him through prayer and he speaks to me through his Word.
Would you like to know more? I’d love to share how you can become a Christian and have this personal relationship with one-on-one communication with The God of all Creation!
And if you are interested in finding out more about how you can get started with essential oils and related products, let me know. The ones I use and recommend have the Seed to Seal commitment that is an important quality control measure that puts them head and shoulders above the rest.
See my Virtual Business Card for ways you can contact me for more.
Are they discovered, taught, built or attained? Finding myself, figuring out what makes me tick, discovering who I am . . . sound familiar? Is this really how our identity is forged? Or is our identity something we learn from our parents and others who teach us “where we come from”? Are you a “self-made man” (or woman)? Is your identity something you build for yourself? And once you have found, learned of or built your identity is that it? Or is it something that is fluid and changes over time. And is there something of your identity “out there” to attain?
Most people tend to have questions about their identity at some point in their life (or many points). Those who have been orphans may question their identities even more. As parents and caregivers what can we do to help them? As to the questions above, I think all of the above would be my answer. And each can form a part of the identity quest.
Let’s take them one at a time.
Kids can discover a lot about themselves and begin to have a sense of their own identity as separate from others as a baby when they acquire the ability to comprehend and understand object permanence. Ever play peek-a-boo with a baby? They are learning that even when they don’t see your face, you still exist and will return. As kids continue to learn and grow and develop their own sense of self – – what they like and don’t like, how they are different from others around them and have different needs and desires at times they are discovering some of their identity. We can help them clue in to their favorites and their special talents and strengths.
As we teach them about their heritage, culture and family values we are teaching identity as well. We can help our kids to connect with these aspects of their identity. We can help them to understand that while there are good points as well and negatives in their backgrounds, that there are many parts of the fabric of their identity that are woven together in a unique way. We can help them to learn about positive aspects and how even negatives can provide opportunities to rise above.
It is important to help our children to understand that their identities are not soley made up of things that are out of their control. They can build into their identities as well. Choices they make, big and small, build into their character and lead them into who they are becoming.
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears,we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.
Helping our children to understand and embrace how God views them and their identity as children of God (and how to enter into his forever family) is the best way to help them in the identity quest. Identifying themself as a child of God, just as they may embrace their identity in their new adopted family, is both a present identity and a future attainment. It is ours now, and will be fully ours in the future.
What are your thoughts on the quest for identity and how we can help our children. I welcome your comments.
Kids from hard places can have overwhelming emotions. As a parent, I want to help my children learn to use positive coping skills and give them helpful tools.
I’ve gotten some great result in my own family since I’ve begun using premium essential oils. Among the many benefits, they can make a big difference in dealing with overwhelming emotions, focus and sleep.
Hit Reply (if you are reading this in e-mail) or Contact in the menu above (if you are on the website) with “essential emotions” in your message to learn more about our premium essential oils and related products that you may want to add to your parenting toolbox. I’ll send you a short video and then follow up to see what you think.
I recently hosted a 5-day Sleep Challenge (my first time to host a Facebook challenge group experience!) and I want to share here about some key thoughts.
One, sleep is crucial.
It is not something you can really do without and still function at your best. Sure you can burn the candle at both ends or pull an all-nighter once in a while and get by with it, but not as a regular habit. Before long, the spiral downward will take its toll. So getting a new mindset about sleep may be a big deal for you if you tend to view sleep as the enemy.
Two, a good night’s sleep starts early.
It’s not enough to decide to go to bed on time. (Whatever time that is may need some analysis. We talked about this in the challenge group.) You can make adjustments throughout the day that may be a benefit to your ability to get to sleep and sleep soundly through the night. While I am all for napping, for instance, it may help to discern if your napping – – perhaps the timing or length of them – – is negatively affecting your ability to get a good night’s sleep more often than not. If so, it’s an easy (and free!) adjustment to make sure your naps are helpful, not harmful to your overall quality of sleep. Some people may need to add a nap if their current schedule does not allow for their optimal amount of night-time sleep. Guilt-free, of course! Throughout our sleep challenge, I asked the participants to keep a sleep journal. This helped to track items throughout the day that could possibly be affecting their sleep at night. Some other possibilities were caffeine/stimulants; evening snacking; stress and worries; pain. Of course, there are lots of things that can hinder sleep. And none of this was/is intended to diagnose/treat/cure anything medical. (I recommend you see your healthcare practitioner for any medical concerns.)
Three, there are solutions!
While not exhaustive, our sleep challenge pointed to possible solutions and at the end of the challenge I offered a free resource guide with my recommendations for products to help with sleep that I have gleaned from my own experience (and that of my large family who have had a variety of sleep struggles), and others recommendations. As with our sleep challenge group (I told them they would become their own Sleep Detectives!) it can take some focus time to sleuth out the issues that are negatively affecting your sleep and put in place a workable plan that will address them successfully.
If you are in need of consistently better sleep, I would like to share my resource list with you as well as my Sleep Detective Journal so you can become your own Sleep Detective!
Hit CONTACT above and shoot me your email and I’ll send both documents right out.
Sweet dreams . . .zzzzzz
Real life is often emotional and kid’s from hard places often have overwhelming emotions. As a parent, I want to help my children learn to use positive coping skills and give them helpful tools.
I have begun using some fantastic essential oils and other products that make a big difference in helping some of my family members with often overwhelming emotions, to manage and focus better.
Hit Reply (if you are reading this in e-mail) or Contact (if you are on the website) above or below to learn more about our toxin-free natural plant-based personal care products and dietary supplements and how they can help you and your family, too.
You can now follow the public Facebook page in addition to the closed member group associated with Yesterday’s Orphan.
This public page is great for sharing with friends who you know could use a little more connection or teachers or extended family members or others who may be interested in learning more about what parents of kids from trauma backgrounds deal with on an ongoing basis, as well as how to better understand and help the children and the family.
Type “Adoptive/foster/step parents” in the search box, or check it out HERE and let me know what you think!