Tag Archives: rage

Yes to God’s Plans

Question:  Are you attempting to live out YOUR PLANS for your life or GOD’S PLANS?  

If your own plans, then why would you expect God to honor them?  . . . Really.

At least are your plans in accordance with his Word?  If not, perhaps some re-evaluation is in order.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Do not be wise in your own  eyes;
fear the Lord and depart from evil.” — Proverbs 3:5-7
If GOD’S PLANS . . .  how are you doing?

 

Ephesians 5:15 tells us “be very careful, then, how you live — not as unwise but as wise” and the entire theme of the little book of Haggai is repeated again and again in the phrase, “consider your ways”.

 

As parents, we sometimes give our children warnings of what their behavior may lead to if they do not change it.  Obviously, this is not a doom and gloom prophecy of the future, but an attempt to have them consider their ways and the likely outcomes SO THAT they will change their ways before it’s too late to avoid negative outcomes.  

 

Correction.

 

Correction is hard for us to take as humans.  Some of us take it harder than others. It may be that with our adopted children especially, they need some careful building up in order to not be crushed by correction, or hardened by it.  

 

O.Bible.org, in their lesson on the Ministry of Correction from the series on I Timothy,  says that

“as a rule, the most effective correction takes place when the other person knows from experience that you love him.” (See the full lesson here.)  

I think this is true with corrections from people as well as from God, himself!  When we know and feel like we are loved and accepted, correction may sting but we will be less likely to ignore it or rail against it!   

With adopted/foster/stepchildren (and sometimes even biological children) there may be a lingering question in their mind as to whether they are fully loved and accepted, at least at times.  And so correction may feel more like overt rejection to them!

God gives warnings and consequences in order that we will consider our ways – –  not give up thinking we have no hope – – but consider our ways so we can course-correct while there IS HOPE! With my children, I need to help them understand that correction is just that, an invitation and an opportunity to course-correct given out of love. And I need to accept God’s correction with that same understanding.

The book of Ezra gives us a ministry model and an example of how to continue God’s work under pressure.

I’ll share my outline with you, hoping it helps you as much as it is helping me in a variety of areas not the least of which is parenting when it is difficult:

EZRA

I.  God directs the outworking of God’s plan.  

(Whether your ministry is rebuilding the Holy Temple as here, building a ministry for orphans overseas, or your ministry role in your own family.)

  1. God moved the heart of the King.  

    (He can move hearts of those – – whether Christ-followers or not – – who have earthly authority in our lives.)

  2. God moved the hearts of his people.  

    (He is the one who moves hearts, not me – – not you.  We must not think we are the ones who are responsible for another person’s heart or resulting beliefs and behavior.  We are responsible to God. He moves their hearts. I am no-one’s Holy Spirit and I must not become a stumbling block for them.)

  3. God built the team.

     (I don’t have to do the job by myself, nor do I have to stress over the needed help, and neither do you!  God can bring just the right partners at just the right time.)

  4. God provided the resources as the people acted in steps of obedience.

     (We don’t have to have all the necessary resources in our possession to begin.  Steps of obedience show faith in God’s provision on an as needed basis.)

  5. God brought team unity.

     (When there is dis-unity the work is thwarted.  God is the great mediator and can bring conflict resolution when we submit to him.)

  6. God provided housing accommodations, plus time to settle in.

    ( He provides for our basic needs so we can relax and fully depend on him, trusting that there is enough time and enough for our basic needs to be met in order that we are able to move forward in the work in the place where he puts us!)

II. God is FIRST!  He is to be honored in first place above all.

(My family or other ministry or work is not first – – God is!)

  1. Altar built first – – before the other work began.
  2. Regular times of worship were held as well as special celebrations – – Times of worship and refreshment are necessary!
    1. Regular sacrifices were made, despite fears about dangers from surrounding people.
    2. Holy Day Celebrations were held.
    3. Praise Celebration was held at 1st milestone.
    4. Dedication and Celebration at the completion of the work.
III.  Work is done orderly.  

(While people, kids, even I may balk at rules and routines, it is the orderly way that wins the day.)

  1.  Time for planning and preliminary arrangements.
    1. Chain of command was established.
    2. God gave discernment of whom to partner with.
IV.  Opposition to God’s Work – – Expect It!

(I must not be surprised at opposition or let it dictate my course!  Kids will push back! So will others. I must be prepared and focused on my goals – – God’s goals for my work, whether it’s parenting my special needs children or other work.)

  1. Extreme opposition
  2. Lengthy delay
  3. Perseverance
  4. Patience with readiness and Attentiveness to God’s Guidance (not always apparent to outsiders)
  V.  God Turns OPPOSITION into OPPORTUNITY & BLESSING on His People & His Work
  1. Bravery to obey God & resume the work
  2. Tactful honesty to authority & trusting God
  3. God’s Favor
  4. Work completed with God’s Favor & blessing (Yes!  There is a time of completion awaiting and this work will be a done deal.  Another phase of life will open up. The long-range view can help with perspective on days when you feel bogged down.)  

 

RECAP:  

*God directs the outworking of HIS PLANS!  

*Honor God FIRST!  

*God is ORDERLY and his work is to be done orderly.  

*EXPECT OPPOSITION to God’s work.

*Remember, God turns opposition into OPPORTUNITY and BLESSING on his people and his work.  

 

Gods Plans – -> God First – -> Godly Order – -> Opposition – -> Opportunity & Blessing

 

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”
– – Proverbs 16:3
KEY:  For us to stay in this trajectory we must continue to take steps of faithful obedience all along the way.  What is God asking you to do in faithful obedience today?  

You may not feel prepared, ready, eager, or confident.  You may not have a clear path. There may be obstacles and opposition.  You may feel fear and trembling! You may not understand why God has “allowed” something that seems way out of line to your way of thinking.  

Take the step anyway. — Trust Him. — Then . . . CELEBRATE!  Celebrate when you look back and are able to see more clearly how HIS plan has been set in place and fulfilled.

I hope this peek into my Bible study has been helpful to you.  Parenting is hard. Parenting kids from trauma backgrounds is extremely hard.  We can work hard and feel like we aren’t making any progress. Or worse, going backward.  

I encourage you to #1 make sure your plans are God’s plans, and #2 consider in what ways you may need to course-correct.  Then #3 take a step of obedience  – – Today.


 

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Hit Reply (e-mail) or Contact me above or below (blog) if you want to learn more about our toxin-free natural-based personal care products and dietary supplements and how they can help your family, too.

 

Remaining Calm in the Storm

With children from hard places, there are many who are triggered into rages rather than the typical childhood and teen behaviors such as tantrums and sulking which are unpleasant to deal with but not generally dangerous. In talking with experts about best practices in dealing with extreme behaviors the key is always for the parent (the adult) to remain calm in the midst of the meltdown/rage/storm. It sounds so simple, so . . . logical.

BUT . . . HOW?

Of course, we should be the adult, the one in control when they have apparently lost it. But imagine you are in the midst of a tornado. You remain calm, mostly, and then it is over and you are able to assess the damage and realize no one is hurt badly and there is just a bit of material damage. Then the next day, another tornado. And another after a couple more days. You start wondering each day if there will be a tornado today and brace for the coming storm. Your nerves get a little shaky when the winds howl. You are still cleaning up (and healing) from the previous storms and wondering how much more you can take of this before something gives. At this point, remaining calm may be a stretch.

Prayer and Faith that God is in control and is working ALL things out for good is key for me.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

In addition, I’ve come up with this list to help me focus on remaining calm in the midst of the storms and realize that it will blow over.  Perhaps it will help you as well.

C. A. L. M.     M. O. M.

C. Self-CONTROL & CONFIDENCE (not reactive)
A. Look AWAY (not in their eyes) & ACKNOWLEDGE their frustration
L. LESS talk. (Wait ’til later)
M. MODEL better behavior & posture & calm with a MATTER-OF-FACT voice that communicates “everything is okay.
M. Get them MOVING with me (if do-able within safe limits) walking, jumping, dancing, etc.
O. OPT OUT if violent or verbally abusive (safety first)
M. ReMOVE myself, others, possible weapons/projectiles away for everyone’s safety.

For [C] I wanted to remind myself to show my own self-control and my own confidence so that it does not appear that I am out of control to my child or others.  If they perceive that I am out of control in the least, or that they have “pushed my buttons” it validates the mistrust of my attachment disordered children.

For [A] I want to acknowledge their frustration if possible.  I need to do this whether it seems to sink in or not.  Look away means I do not need to push them to look me in the eye during their storm/rage/meltdown, which puts added pressure on them (though it comes across as highly disrespectful to me).  I may need to sit/stand beside them instead of in front of them to avoid looking directly into their face.  If they are able to hide their eyes as part of self-calming I want to recognize that that is okay for now.

[L] is a tough one for me because I want to talk them through it and get to the bottom of whatever is at the root of the disturbance.  (Can you imagine trying to discuss with a tornado what caused such a disturbance?)  Less talk is something that is difficult for me and may need to be zero talk to keep me from opening the floodgates, making matters worse.

[M] is similar to [C] above, in that I remind myself to be the adult and model better behavior to the child/teen.  Not only do I want to avoid anything that could be perceived as a lack of confidence and self-control, but I want to overtly speak and act in a way that they may copy, such as speaking matter-of-factly with an un-shakeable, assured tone, one that assumes everything is or will be okay.  Not dismissing their frustration or upset but not entering into the fray with them, either.  This is a detached sort of stance that is new to me but may be more tolerable for my attachment disordered children.

[O] is Opt Out, and may pre-empt strategies that require the child or teen’s cooperation to a degree, like taking a walk. When they are violent or verbally abusive I need to be able to disengage in order to keep my calm and safety, and to model healthy boundaries.  This is not a time to talk them through anything or try to reason with them.

The last [M] is another “Move” – – “Re-Move myself and others, along with items that could be used as weapons or projectiles for everyone’s safety.  Not only in the midst of the storm, but in preparation for future storms items may need to be secured and a safety plan for other children in the home, as well as the one with the extreme behavior, parents and pets can be made.  It may seem extreme and out of the ordinary to make a safety plan for when a child or teen is exhibiting extreme behavior, but it is a precaution that can be necessary for everyone’s safety.

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I compiled the above tips for myself in preparing to deal with my own attachment disordered children.  Your children certainly may have different types of behaviors and needs, requiring different strategies from you.

I have found that taking care of myself is key to being able to handle the stresses of an emotionally challenged child or teen who sometimes has extreme behaviors.  Many things have helped, including the use of naturally calming essential oils that are available from Oils for Orphans.  Feel free to contact me for more information on ways they might benefit you.

Rage Against Love

So WHO exactly are we fighting? ?

The post-adoptive home can sometimes feel like an ongoing war, like you have to PROVE yourself as parent. (Did anybody ever really doubt that you were the rightful parent of your biological children?)  It’s one thing for a legal decree, for a declaration of undying love and commitment, for being there for daily routines, ups and downs, and all that goes with parenting and loving your child, but somewhere deep in the mind of two of mine, they have a deep-seated belief that I am not their mom.

How do I know? Aside from the verbal screaming in hateful voices “You are NOT my MOM!!!” and “I HATE YOU!!”  along with other similar endearments (insert sarcasm), my training, research and counseling on Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Plus it’s not just a passing phase or exaggerated in the moment push button thing.  It doesn’t go away, just maybe hides under the surface a bit.  Not every adopted or foster child develops R.A.D, thankfully, but it is a REAL condition.

Things to Learn & Do Right Away

If you have a child in your life who may have Reactive Attachment Disorder, I recommend doing your own due diligence to familiarize yourself with not just the basics, but the practical outworkings and recommendations for steps and strategies to deal with the effects on the attachment disordered child AND the people closest to them who may at any time become a target.  And realize that the child may appear VERY different with different people.  Moms are primary targets in general, but it can also be dads if dad is the primary caretaker/nurturer.

Boundaries are important, and implementing boundaries BEFORE they are crossed takes some forethought.  It is a lot easier to loosen stricter boundaries when appropriate than to tighten them when things get out of hand.

Respite care?  Yes that would be nice.  Unfortunately, it is not until the stress has mounted or a crisis ensued that it becomes urgent.  And if the children are not well-behaved it is a big chore for parents to arrange for regular time apart, for the child/children to be cared for by someone else who may not comprehend all their different needs or issues.

Long Range View & Goals

I recommend a long term view, learning what you can, plugging into a support group and doing the work to set up respite care with regular visits in non-crisis times so that it is available when you most need it.  Plan for the worst; hope for the best; don’t be caught off guard.

In addition, I recommend intentional self-care, marriage care and keeping separate time with the child’s siblings on a frequent, regular basis, not letting their issues dominated the household.

Fighting against the child, spouse, friends and extended family?  Teachers, neighbors?  Legal issues?  All of these are all too common in the adoption community.

Adoptive parents as you recall jump through many, many hoops to get through the process and so the bulk of them are not going to just be “bad” parents.  Sadly, there is not a lot of support for raising an attachment disordered child and keeping the family intact.

Truthful Perspective

To answer the question posed at the beginning of this post — Who are we fighting? — I’d like to suggest that while it may be anybody and everybody at times, primarily it is and should be recognized to be our mortal enemy, Satan, the father of lies.

1 Peter 5:8 tells us:  “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

Satan lies to my kids and reinforces the lies that they have already believed.  Satan lies to parents telling us we are failures.  Satan lies to others who are looking for someone to blame and accusations fly.  Satan says you are not good enough and that you are not loved.

BUT GOD tells the TRUTH!  And I have to hang on to the truth to be able to survive, just as my children need the truth to believe they are loved and valuable and as much a part of my family as anyone else.  And that that is GOOD!

I have to know and hang on to the truth that I am GOD’S CHILD, and dearly loved and provided for by him, no matter the lies that I am told.  Through any difficulty, God is my strength. I don’t have all the answers, but I know who does!

As my children learn that they are loved by their earthly parents, my earnest desire is that it will help them be receptive to the belief that they are treasured and loved by their Heavenly Father.  I believe God can heal them so that they will be open to receiving and giving love without all the resistance they now have, due to the trauma they have endured.  Someday they will understand that even then, their loving Creator was sustaining them, and he has good plans for them and their future.

______________________________

Real life is often emotional and kid’s from hard places often have overwhelming emotions.  As a parent I want to help my children learn to use positive coping skills and give them tools to help.  There are some natural products we have begun using in our family that make a big difference in helping kids cope with overwhelming emotions, to manage and focus.  If you think it might be helpful for your family to learn more about these products feel free to contact me and I’d be happy to fill you in.